I love to remember you.

Dear Fred and Julie,

Fifteen years have come and gone. I can hardly believe it.

Looking back at that poor weeping fourteen year old girl, I wish I could tell her what I know now. I wish I could comfort her and put her back together again. Your passing broke her, but it changed my life and taught me lessons I could never have learned.

Your shortened lives taught me to live every minute of my life. To go after dreams, to learn as much as I can. I’ve learned that it’s okay to laugh, even when I feel like crying. I’ve learned that it’s okay to let go of grief, and to let memories flood my heart instead. I’m not dishonoring you by pushing sadness aside, but rather remembering you the way you would have wanted.

I never thought there would come a day when I could think of you or talk about you without crying. Now, I love to remember you. I love thinking of your unique laughs, radiant smiles, and vibrant ways of living. I can hardly keep myself from smiling when I think of you anymore.

Two Big Sisters

Julie, you were always so nice to me. So patient and playful. You lit up entire rooms with your outgoing spirit. I loved being around you and I miss all of those family parties when we would sing and dance until I was completely out of breath. I remember my mom braiding your hair before work and wishing that I could have hair like yours. I still do, too! You had the most beautiful hair! When I picture you now, I bet you would have been such a cool mom and devoted wife. You would have been that mom everyone envied. Beautiful and smart, laid back, with fun and adventurous care free children. How lucky would I have been to have *two* big sisters to lead the way into motherhood? I miss you the most around the holidays and in the summer time. All of the family parties, the laughter, and feeling like we had a huge family. I miss that. I’m so blessed to have an angel like you and to have memories like that.

Fred, the older I get, the more I realize how lucky I am. Not every girl with a deadbeat dad has a father figure like you that will step into his shoes and carry on. I’m not sure what’s worse though, having a father who doesn’t care that gets to live his miserable life, or to have a wonderful father figure who loved me unconditionally that had to leave too soon. I am blessed to have had you in my life either way. My worst memories of you are the best I’d ever get from my real dad, and my best memories of you replace all of the worst memories of his. Having my own children now, I often wish you could be here to meet them, but then I remember who you’re with, and I know you are watching over them and me, and aren’t they beautiful? There is no greater pain than losing a father, mother, sister, or brother, but to lose a good one.

I miss you both so much, but the good thing about death is that it can only happen once. I will never have to lose you again, and you will always live on in my memories and the memories of others. You gave us all a remarkable amount of joy. I hope you are resting peacefully and that I am making you proud.

I’ll love you forever. There’s no doubt about that.