BIRTHDAY Week! {Happy First Birthday, Babies!}

My Sweet Babies,

I can hardly believe that it’s here!

You’re one year old!

All of the first year milestones have come and gone, and I’m looking forward to seeing what other new tricks you can do!

This day holds so many memories for me, bitter and sweet. The weather is clear as a bell here today, not a snowflake to be seen. Last year, it was a Winter Wonderland. We literally drove through a blizzard to get to the hospital where we would stay for five days. I remember it like yesterday. I was so swollen and could barely walk, everything hurt. When they put the epidural in, it was relief like nothing I’d ever felt. I knew something was wrong when they pulled you out and I still couldn’t breathe, but all of that fear was overshadowed by your sweet cries and warm cheeks. I remember kissing you for the first time and thinking “They’re so warm!” I guess I was expecting your cheeks to be chilly like the air in the OR. Daddy brought you over and we took our first family picture.

Daddy was whisked away with Molly in his arms and Lily on her way for some breathing therapy, so anxious to get out and breathe, she breathed in fluid! Oops! He helped with baths, and then you all came to visit me. He was so proud to show you off.

The next few hours are kind of a blur. I remember the nurses checking me all the time to make sure I wasn’t bleeding out. I remember feeling so tired and so nauseated. I remember not being able to breathe. I remember wanting to feel normal and to be able to hold you.

I remember holding you for the first time, and for a little while, all of the fear melted away.

I started to not feel well and then you were being taken away, and I was in trouble. I felt faint, and I was in bed! It was so scary. All I wanted was to be a blissed out new mommy.

Everything happened so fast after that. I was so out of it. The doctor performed a painful procedure, one I will never in my life forget. I remember him talking about blood transfusions, iron pills, and medicine to help stop the bleeding. When I look back at the pictures, my face was so pale, my lips were white as a sheet, and I still looked so full of water. It seemed like forever before I saw you again.

My favorite picture of us together, and favorite memory is when it was just you and me, with no one else in the room, and we fell asleep skin to skin. I’m so glad someone caught this moment.

After a couple of days of tests and transfusions, my color was improving and I was able to eat. I had to keep my strength up to feed you, which was really all I was allowed to do. I couldn’t change you, because I couldn’t get out of bed. I could barely hold you for the first couple of days because I was so weak. Daddy was up for what seemed like three days straight caring for your every need, while I tried to get better. Someday you will realize how lucky you are to have a daddy like that.

He was finally able to get a little sleep with you on his chest, Molly. It’s probably one of his fondest memories of our time in the hospital.

We took another family picture together when I was feeling a little stronger. It’s amazing how different I look.

Going home was the scariest day of all. I still felt terrible, and I was worried how we were going to take care of you. You looked so tiny and innocent. (and so cute in your jammies!)

Days and weeks and months passed with more hospital visits, more doctor’s visits, and late night runs to the ER. It was such a scary time for me, one I hope you’ll never remember. If you remember anything at all, I hope you remember being swaddled, I hope you remember feeling safe and warm and well fed. I hope you remember feeling loved, because we’ve never loved anyone more in our lives.

And look at us now!

I’m off all of the medication, and getting healthier every month! You are growing like weeds and thriving! Crawling, walking, feeding yourselves, learning to talk in “sentences”. I can’t believe that those sleepy little beings one year ago are the same sweet babies we have now. I am in awe of you, with every step you take, and every new thing you learn, you amaze me.

My wish for you, this year, is simply that you continue to grow and blossom and thrive, and that I won’t have to miss a thing. The past year has been filled with so many things I wish I could forget, and I’m so looking forward to a year filled with joy and health and so much love, memories we will cherish.

Happy BIRTHDAY, Lillian!

Happy BIRTHDAY, Marilyn!

And Happy Anniversary to us! Our first year as a family! We made it!