Nurse Masshole

First of all, I wanted to thank you all for your support and encouragement on Tuesday. It’s been an extremely emotional and long week.

After being monitored for 24 hours on Tuesday through Wednesday, they released us from the hospital because all of our tests came back fine. Liver’s great, platelets were great, protein was great, all in spite of the 50 pound water weight gain. My doctor is concerned about the severe edema but there’s nothing he can do unless my blood pressure shows signs of elevation, as you can deduce from my current location, my blood pressure is also fine. So, we were discharged and frustrated. The hospital was nice because I was able to adjust the bed and 40 pillows to a comfortable sleeping position. Unfortunately, I was woken up every few hours for this test or that test and at 3 am woke up crazy nauseated and shaky. The nurse hooked me up to the monitors for the babies’ heartbeats and contractions and it turns out that the shakiness and nausea were caused by the contractions. Interesting. I was also able to take a bath in a jacuzzi tub. If you know me, you know I hate baths. I just feel gross lying around in my own dirt. This bath was amazing though. It felt like a weight had been lifted off my body because it made me partially buoyant. The only way I can explain how heavy my legs feel is to tell you to throw on some ankle weights and wrap heavy sand bags around your thighs so you have no choice but to waddle. It’s that bad. I have a couple of pictures but they don’t show my legs. I’m going to take some before next week just so you can see just how much water I’m retaining. For your entertainment. It’s unreal.

We stayed at my sister’s house until Friday since she lives near the hospital and we live an hour away, in case anything changed by Friday when we had our next appointment. There’s an adventure. Think National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. It was chaos. Seven people, including a two year old and a six year old, both crazy hyper, a lab who barks if the ground moves funny and a chihuahua who tries to eat unfamiliar people and animals. We were quite a sight!

My appointment was hopeful! I’m virtually immobile at this point so any sign of delivery makes me giddy like a fool. The doctor checked me and I am 2 cm dilated and 70% thinned, which is awesome for feeling only maybe one or two contractions and he can feel Baby A’s head through the bag of water. My blood pressure was slightly elevated. Enough for the doctor to agree to start an induction or to perform a C-section. We went to the hospital feeling like we were finally going to reach the end of this misery. We were wrong.

The doctor wanted us to have just a few more elevated blood pressures before he made the final call and since he was already there for surgery he was planning on keeping me there for a while for observation. That was fine with me if it meant I’d be able to walk again and have two healthy babies, since that is the ultimate goal here. I was 36 weeks and 6 days on Friday. 37 weeks today, which is full term for any baby. I’m scheduled for induction and/or C-section next Friday at 37 weeks and 6 days. So, basically, yesterday I was full term and it would have been fine for me to deliver.

Unfortunately I got Nurse Masshole and all hell broke loose.

Ryan wheeled me into the birth center, where everybody knows me by name now since I practically live there, and my favorite nurse, Beth, greeted me with a “Yay! You’re 37 weeks!!” And I replied “I know! And 2 cm!” She told me which room to go to and Ryan wheeled me down the hall. In the background I here another nurse say “Actually, she’s only 36 weeks and 6 days.” Snarky bitch.

Much to my chagrin, she followed us. We get to our room and I joked that the view was less impressive than my last room which had a view of the street instead of the roof of the building next store. Nurse Masshole replied “Well, it’s not like you’re staying here so you’ll be fine.” Clearly someone didn’t remove the stick from her ass before punching in for the day. I knew then that this was going to be a less than wonderful experience. She bragged that she had just clocked in for her 12 hour shift at 7:30 am so she would be our nurse for the remainder of our stay. Oh. party hats. She hooked me up to the monitors and we all prayed for elevated blood pressures. To be clear, I have very low blood pressure, so even 130/80 is high or elevated for me. My doctor considered 136/83 elevated in the office. So we get our first reading and it was elevated. Awesome, one more and I might be able to finally relax again. Ten minutes later, another higher reading.

Enter Nurse Masshole.

Nurse Masshole meet Nurse Ratched... crazy bitches

You might know, and might not know, that “lie on your left side” becomes a pregnant woman’s mantra during pregnancy. You hear it so many times that you being to wonder if your right side has a disease or if you even have a right side anymore. NM comes in rubbing her hands with hand sanitizer with a cold sore breathing life on her lip and upon seeing the smile on my face says “I’m not sure what’s so great about these elevated pressures! Pre-eclampsia is no laughing matter.” Oh my gosh, everyone! Somehow I have won the nurse lottery and have obtained Nurse Captain Obvious! How wonderful! My sister replied “Well, I had my son at 30 weeks with pre-eclampsia so we know it’s not anything to scoff at but her doctor is planning on delivering to relieve some of her discomfort. The elevated blood pressure is a good sign for her.” Once again, elevated for me was 136/83. NM throws daggers at my sister and says “Regardless, I’m going to try something.” I knew it was coming so I just readied myself for the great flip of the day. NM “Lie on your left side and let’s see if we can get it back down to normal.” Fuck. Shit.

I lie on my left side and of course it works. She comes in and is “thrilled” with my “beautiful” blood pressure which is now 105/75. The babies also look “beautiful”. I should be so happy. Lady, of course I’m happy my babies are healthy, that’s why the doctor was comfortable taking them. What I wasn’t happy with was what came next.

She left the room, scheduling the blood pressure cuff to go off in another 15 minutes.

By now we’re all exchanging looks and giving the finger to the door when she leaves, because you know, we’re mature like that. After the 15 minutes go by, another nurse comes in and turns off all of the monitors but leaves me attached to the cords. Odd.

Another 10 minutes goes by and in comes Nurse Masshole with a piece of paper and a smug look on her face.

Begin Lecture.

Before I delight you with Nurse Masshole’s musings, let me reiterate just how horribly uncomfortable I am. I have gained 50 pounds of water weight in the past month. Fifty. That’s the size of a child or two giant bags of dog food. My skin is so tight with water, it hurts. I can’t bend my legs all the way. I can’t lift my legs onto the couch or a bed without assistance, otherwise it is excruciatingly painful. I can’t touch my legs without having pain. My thighs and calves are the same size and no, I’m not exaggerating, I don’t have knees. I can’t do anything but waddle. Let me be even more candid and tell you this… I can’t sit down on certain chairs because they instantly dig into my legs and cause dents. I can’t sit on a low toilet seat because it forces my legs to bend too far and it feels like my skin is going to rip open. I can barely reach my pieces to wipe myself. My right hand is numb. My left hand is going numb. I can’t stand for more than 5 minutes or my feet go numb and my legs start to itch. Showering is a feat I’m surprised I can even manage myself. I usually have to sit down on the ledge halfway through to regain feeling in my legs. My face is swollen. My neck is swollen. Plus all of the other common late pregnancy ailments… heartburn, inability to eat, nausea (she’s back!), diarrhea, pains on the right and left sides from babies growing, I have to pee every hour (even at night) which is horrible because I can’t stand up on my own without severe pain, my lower back is in constant pain especially on my left or right side because I can’t bend my legs enough to relieve the pressure, I am exhausted from little to no sleep, I am stressed out for all of the normal reasons, my breathing is shallow due to the size of the twins (which is now 7 and 8 pounds respectively), and the babies are no longer gentle with their movements. I am getting beat up in every direction, with no way of escape. So when my doctor tells me that there is a light at the end of this tunnel, I am ecstatic and unapologetic about it. Why should I be? I weighed in on Friday and had gained 4 more pounds since Tuesday. By this coming Tuesday, it will be another 4 or 5 making the grand total for the week another 10 pounds. So when Nurse Masshole stepped up on her soapbox, all I could do was smile and nod.

Here are some of the highlights:

“I’ve been pregnant too, I know what it’s like to be tired and miserable. You’re just going to have to hang on for two more weeks. Sorry. Babies born between 37 and 39 weeks have problems breathing and feeding, do you really want your children to end up on a ventilator?” (First of all? I’m delivering at 38 weeks, regardless. I’ve always been delivering at 38 weeks because my doctor didn’t want me to go any further than that. So thanks for letting me know that my doctor is incompetent. I’ll be sure to let him know you think so. Also, you don’t know what tired and miserable is. You had one child. You didn’t gain 50 pounds in one month. You could wipe your own ass. And no, I don’t want my babies on ventilators, which is why I am following the advice of my doctor and staying on bedrest and letting him dictate when the babies will be born.)

“I told Dr. G. that I’m sending you home.” (Because nurses are in charge now???)

“Your weight gain is due to diet. If you eat a lot of high sodium foods and don’t drink enough water, this is what happens! You need to eat things like cucumbers, celery, and asparagus. Drink green tea. And make sure you’re drinking enough water.” (This is the part where I almost jumped out of bed. I went to culinary school and had to take nutrition classes. I’ve also been a weight loss counselor. You do not gain FIFTY POUNDS of water in one month from diet. Also, all I drink is water. I can’t have coffee and juice makes my blood sugar go all kinds of whack-tastic so I drink ice water and tons of it. I love vegetables and eat plenty of salads and veggies. I also eat lots of fruit. I don’t add forty bottles of salt to my food. And I hardly eat a lot as it is because I don’t have a lot of room! So, Nurse Masshole, bend over and I’ll tell you exactly where to put your cucumbers and green tea.” Where does she get off telling me any of this as it is? She should know that assuming things will only make an ass out of her. Severe edema and water retention are two different things.)

“I’m not going to be your favorite person, but here’s your discharge paper and a reminder list of things to call about should they arise. Remember that spotting after being checked is normal, so don’t call us about that. If you soak a pad with blood, then you should call. Lie on your left side as often as possible. I notice you’re not on your left side any longer. (I try to interject and she talks over me.) Call if you have any leaking of amniotic fluid. (Try to ask a question… she talks over me.) If your contractions become regular, as in 5 minutes apart for at least an hour, call us. Other than that, you’re good to go.”

After I signed the paper and she shut the fuck up, I was finally able to speak. I explained to her that lying on either side is extremely painful and that the leg on the bottom of the pile goes numb. She suggested that I deal with it anyway and maybe prop a pillow underneath me instead. Genius. Why didn’t I think of that? Oh, wait… I have. It doesn’t work. I then asked her how I should tell the difference between leaking urine and leaking amniotic fluid. Her answer: “Well, urine smells like urine and amniotic fluid doesn’t.” Gosh, really? So… which part of the pad should I shove my nose in to tell the difference? I’m pretty sure I was shaking from anger at this point. I say “Also, Dr. G. told me to call when my contractions become regular at 8 to 10 minutes because I live an hour away.” Her reply: “Well, that’s silly because you’ll have plenty of time to get here before you’re ready to deliver.”

Her parting words: “Just remember, you need to think of your babies right now, not your comfort. You can hang on for another couple of weeks. Your babies look beautiful, your vitals are beautiful, you don’t need to deliver based on a little swelling and some normal discomfort. You don’t want to be stuck here while your babies are in another hospital being treated for all kinds of problems. Okay? Take your time getting ready, I have your wheelchair ready in the hallway.”

I got dressed and willed myself not to cry until we got into the elevator. I was not going to give this evil bitch the satisfaction of making me feel like like I was an unfit mother. Because I’m not. My doctor was looking for any medical reason to deliver and told us so before we left his office. He was ready to deliver the babies without even having to perform an amnio because the babies are huge for twins at this stage. Yes, my vitals are fine now, what will they look like 10 pounds of water from now? I left the hospital without speaking with my doctor because Nurse Masshole informed me that he was in surgery and that her instructions were what he would tell me. I was scared, I was frustrated, I was disappointed and more than pissed off.

She had no right to treat me that way–with no compassion whatsoever. Yes, I’m on Medicaid because my husband lost his job and his company didn’t offer COBRA. Will we be forever? No, of course not, but we had to do something to get the proper care for our girls. Am I an idiot because we fell on hard economic times? No. Do I deserve to be treated as such? No. I have read every book, every pamphlet, every website that I’ve been given to make sure I knew what was coming next and to be informed of any complications we might face. I’m well informed. I’ve also talked to other twin mothers to gain insight into their pregnancies and postpartum experiences to gain some perspective on what I would be facing. Books are great but real people are invaluable. I didn’t need her to lecture me, that’s a fact. I will definitely be requesting another nurse if she shows up in my delivery room and my doctor will be informed of this conversation. He’s an amazing doctor and will not be happy about the treatment I received. He knows how miserable I am, more than anyone, and is concerned about the sudden surge of water weight gain. He wanted to deliver these babies yesterday but this nurse would have no part of it, and I have a feeling it all goes back to me being on Medicaid, which is 100% uncalled for. We reached the elevator and the tears came. I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

We’re home now. Yesterday ended with Ryan burning his hand really badly on a hot pan and my mom’s couch broke when I tried to roll over on my left side. It had been partially broken for a while but this was the 300 pound straw that broke the camel’s back. The burnt hand was not funny but the couch breaking had me in tears I was laughing so hard. It was the icing on the cake. I’m still horribly miserable but dealing with it as best I can, writing helps, laughing about it also helps. What else can I do? We’re supposed to be getting some serious snow here in the next couple of days. Blizzard babies anyone??

I’ll keep you all updated on what comes next, whether my water breaks or we make it to Tuesday for our next appointment. All eyes on Twitter! Hopefully I can take a shower tomorrow and wear something suitable for belly shots. I want to see how bad it looks because I already know how bad it feels. Thank you again for all of your kind words here, on Twitter and on Facebook. It’s definitely helping me cope knowing people are so supportive. There’s a point where your human rights are being violated and I believe I’m at that point. No one should ever have to go through what I’m going through. I tried to call my doctor today and they gave me the doctor on call instead, he’s a post all his own. Paging Doctor Douchebag….

Have you ever had a Nurse Masshole? How did you deal with it?